So you have finally met your soul mate from one of your favorite dating sites and you are having your first face to face.
Of course you are no fool, you surf the internet constantly and you know how many nut cases are out there. So you and your besties have laid a plan for your safety!
You will drive yourself to a very public place, where everybody knows you, two of your girlfriends will hide incognito amid the crowd. One of your really big guy friends will stop by your table to say hi (just so your date realizes you have a friend there) and a hand signal will be sent out if you become completely creeped out and want to get away from him.
But, what happens when Prince Charming ends up sitting across from you?
Dating a new guy can be fun, exciting and promising, but it can also be potentially harmful in a variety of ways, even deadly sometimes. So stand by the old cliche “if he sounds too good to be true, he’s probably a Psychopath!”
Here are 10 Red Flags to watch for when you start dating a new Love Interest.
1.) Mirroring You
First understand that the psychopath has no true identity and so he uses yours, mirroring it back at you. He will spend great amounts of energy convincing you that the two of you were meant to be together because you are so much alike. Maybe even soul mates. He will tell you that it’s incredible how long he’s waited to meet someone ‘exactly like you’, a person that shares the same interests as him, etc. Fate has brought the two of you together. If you like cooking, so does he. If you love reading so does he. If you like waterboarding, so does he, (although he may have an old war wound that keeps him from enjoying it anymore.) It doesn’t matter. Your interests will be so alike it will appear the match was made in heaven! So pay close attention to who leads this conversation. He will quickly put this to you. “Tell me what you like to do” will be one of the first things he will inquire of you. And trust me, he will know exactly what to do with every answer!
And a lot of it! It’s love-bombing gone wild! You will never feel more beautiful! He will tell you constantly how pretty you are, even when you know you look like crap. You will feel like a model because he will constantly tell you how sexy you are and how much he loves your body ‘just the way it is’. He will rave about your cooking even though you know you can’t make burnt toast right. But it won’t matter. You will feel so great about yourself that you won’t see just how over played his flattery really is. So pay attention! You know your own weaknesses and downfalls. You’ve lived with you forever! And like everybody, they really do exist. You are not perfect and you know it. So watch and see just how hard he tries to convince you that you are.
3.) Perfect Sex Partner
Yep! They are great at sex. And they will please their partner in every way. You will have no complaints in this area at all! At least not at first. But this is called bait! Be careful sleeping with this guy too soon. Make sure that you have eliminated all of the other signs before you fall for this one. And believe me, he knows that if he can get this hook into you, his job is half done.
Ok, I know what you are thinking. Holy Crap, ‘He works hard to be compatible with me, loves all the things I love, flatters me, tries to convince me I’m perfect and is great in bed’! Hell yes, I’m in! Where do I find a psychopath to fall in love with!… Well, here’s where it gets a little scary.
4.) Poor Me – The Sympathy Card
And that would be your sympathy ! He doesn’t feel any! So try to take in exactly what your partner says when it comes to other people in his life. What does he say about his mother or siblings? Is she controlling and bossy? Is he the black sheep of the family no one really understands or talks to? How about his ex-wives or girlfriends? Are they all crazy? Liars? Thieves? Bitches? Control freaks? Insecure? Jealous? Suffocating? Have they all done him wrong in one form or another? Does he have guy friends or does he ‘prefer’ to move alone. This trait is very important to recognize quickly and will reveal a lot about what you can expect your near future to be like if you attach to this person. And remember he feels no guilt about talking about these people this way. He feels nothing about their emotions, their pains or their possible ire with him. And you will soon realize that he doesn’t feel any about yours either.
5.) Wounds and Sicknesses
This is one red flag that you can check for yourself. And do! If he has been in the hospital near death because of some rare disease he got while touring Africa with a popular rock band, check it out. And if you can’t seem to find what you need to prove it, it’s probably because the stupid hospital can’t keep records straight. If he cancels a date for some great illness, but is completely recovered in a day so you can cook his favorite meal for him, check it out. If his whole family died in a plane crash and he was the sole survivor, check it out! If he tells you that he is in remission from a deadly cancer, check it out. But I will forewarn you that verifying the facts will never happen, because other people are ass holes, according to him. This is one of those red flags that you will hate yourself for not seeing. Try to always keep in mind that psychopaths are pathological liars! And the bigger the lie the better. And don’t be dumb enough to present facts that may reveal the lie because that will cause you a real problem! He is always right, you are always wrong and in fact you will catch yourself nodding in confirmation of these lies just to keep the peace.
6. Silent Treatment
Once he feels that he has reeled you in with all of the compliments, great sex and love bombing, he will suddenly begin devaluing you. You will be subject to silent treatments and quiet brooding periods that you never get explanation for. He will not tell you what pissed him off. You should know! And of course you probably won’t because it’s just part of his mind games and you are never told the rules. But that won’t matter. It will still be all your fault. Or you will be left alone for long periods of time. It is usually at this point in your relationship where he is already on the prowl for his next conquest. If he doesn’t have one already. And he probably does. Psychopaths have no conscience or empathy, so he will feel no pain about this constant carousing. You, on the other hand, are about to become one of those ‘crazy, lying, thieving, bitches’ he was telling you about in the beginning of your relationship.
7.) Love Triangles
After pulling you in he will begin introducing other people into the relationship in order to stir an emotion of jealously. In his own mind he believes that everyone wants him and he needs you to understand this as well. Usually it will be someone from his past, like ex-girlfriends (and he will have a lot of them – he is actually incapable of commitment) ex-wives or even his male friends. The idea is to show you that he doesn’t need you, he can take his pick from the lot of his adoring fan club because everyone wants him! He will have a narcissistic undertone with every move. He is charming, remember? He is a great conversationalist! He is extremely smart! And every one loves to be around him! If you don’t believe how great he is, just ask him, he will be happy to tell you.
8.) Scale Tipping
When this red flag goes up, See it! Then run. When he suddenly starts tossing out ‘off the wall remarks’ and stands and waits for your reaction, you are now next to a ticking time bomb! If you ask him about his remark he will turn it on you and even go so far as to insist he never even made the remark at all, accusing you of ‘trying to start something.’ He will accuse you of being insecure and jealous when questioned about his open flirtations. He will accuse you of suffocating him or trying to control him when he is away too long without explanation. Questions will come out in the form of accusations, that are entirely rhetorical. He will deny being any part of the problems you are seeing in the relationship and you will be on your way toward becoming the ‘crazy’ one. The confusing, emotional roller coaster ride will start its downhill fall. He’s tipping the scale.
9.) Stop, Drop and on the Roll
The Discard! It’s the next move. (But definitely not the last. You are not free yet!) Now that he has taken you to the all-time charming –I can’t live without you, I will love you forever-high, comes the ultimate – you are insane and I am leaving you- we never really had anything anyway – low. And it’s ALL your fault! He has devalued you and now you mean nothing to him. (And remember that he feels nothing while he’s doing this to you! He has no empathy or sympathy for anyone or anything. And he feels no guilt! After all, he’s not guilty, you are!) He’s playing the field again (or still is, is most likely the case).
10.) The Recall
The really scary part about guys like this is that they don’t really want to see you move on and be happy with someone else. If they get the feeling that you are completely removed from them they will move in to ‘recall’ the relationship with you. Oft times they will stalk you and make advances to get you to come back and try again. They can not tolerate the idea of being the rejected – they must always be the reject-er. Then they will begin the process of swooning you again from the beginning with flattery and love bombing and any promise necessary to recall you back into their life. Don’t fall for it! Run! Refuse all contact. And don’t think you can be his friend or fix him. You can’t. And believe me, the second time around just gets worse!
I guess the real message here is to not only lay a plan for your physical safety when you start dating a new guy but also one for your emotional and physiological well being as well. Keep this list and as you are getting to know your new love interest, pay attention to what you are seeing not necessarily to just what he is saying. The signs will be there but if you are so swept up in the moment, you will be blindsided and under his spell before you can say WTF.